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Thin is better than fat. The thinner you are, the better. When you are thin, you are desirable. When you are fat, you are revolting. There may be times in your life when you eat more, and you gain weight. These are terrible times. It is very shameful to have to buy clothes in larger sizes.

The benefit of being really ill is that you often lose weight! Isn’t that great? You might feel awful, but at least you’re losing weight. And you’re not even exercising! 

Sometimes when you’re feeling very sad because you are grieving the loss of a loved one, you may lose your appetite. Celebrate that! You may feel like you don’t want to go on living, but at least you’re losing weight! 

When you are fat, you are failing. You are getting it wrong. You are losing control. You are weak-willed. And you are indisputably disgusting. Do something about it, for heaven’s sake! Don’t forget that that’s what life is about. Life may still be hard at times, but if you’re thin, then that’s what matters. Don’t question that. Everyone knows it’s true. 

When you are fat, you are not allowed to have sexual desire. You are a laughing stock. You are asexual. You are boring. You will not get any attention from men, and you don’t deserve any. You need to look like a porn star to turn them on. If you don’t, you’re not being fair on them – they want to get turned on, but they can’t because of the way you look, so don’t be selfish. Don’t you care about their needs? Hide away until you’ve made yourself look acceptable. 

It is better to look young than old. Smooth skin is more beautiful than wrinkled skin. Don’t worry though, you can spend lots of money on creams to “reduce the signs of ageing”. If they fail, you can have your skin injected with chemicals to straighten it out. That will stop you looking the age you actually are. It is a very bad thing to look the age you actually are. And it is the most terrible thing in the world if other people think you look older than you actually are. If people tell you that you look younger than you are, you can be happy. Rejoice!

As you get older, don’t let anyone see that your hair is going grey. That’s what hair dye is for. 

Cellulite is ugly, and needs to be got rid of, or covered up. And there’s a treatment you can pay for that! If one treatment doesn’t work, there will be another one you can try. 

A flat stomach is attractive. A rounded one isn’t. In fact, it’s disgusting. If you don’t have one naturally, you can adjust your diet, and do a lot of exercise to achieve this through reducing your body fat to a very low level. This may take up a lot of time and energy and your periods may stop, but it will be worth it because then you will be gorgeous. The more people think you’re attractive and the more people want to have sex with you, the better. This increases your status, and makes you a more valuable person. 

Sagging breasts are disgusting and shameful. You can get bras that keep your breasts pushed up – don’t leave the house without one. If you want to look good naked though, surgery is probably the only option. You may not be able to afford to go on holiday, but you wouldn’t enjoy lying on a beach with saggy breasts anyway, so get the surgery. It’s an investment in YOU! 

Long, thick, dark eyelashes are more attractive than shorter, finer, lighter ones. If you were so unfortunate as to be born with the latter, you can glue things that look like spiders’ legs onto your real lashes. That makes you beautiful. 

Tanned skin is better than pale skin. Pale skin is embarrassing and shouldn’t be displayed. You can stand naked with your legs apart while they spray you with orange gunk to avoid this, and you get to pay for the privilege too! 

Symmetrical features are more attractive than asymmetrical ones. If you have some wonky features, that’s too bad. You’ll never be a model. And models show us what beauty looks like. If you don’t look like a model, you’re not beautiful. You poor wretch! Walking up and down with different clothes on is such an important job – without models, we wouldn’t know what we should be trying to look like. And then what would we do?  We'd be lost!

Fuller lips are more attractive than thinner ones. If yours are thin, get them injected with chemicals to plump them up. 

Cheekbones should be prominent. A round face is not alluring. You can’t be a movie star with a round face, or you will be the joke character. And it’s good being a movie star because it means lots of people are interested in you and want to be like you. They’re interested in the clothes you wear and what you eat for breakfast. That’s a good thing. 

Spots and blemishes should be concealed. And there’s a product you can buy for that! If you have a spot on your face on your wedding day which can’t be concealed, perhaps you had better call the whole thing off. Everyone will just feel sorry for you otherwise. Do you want to be pitied? 

Your wedding day is your time to shine – to show the world how beautiful you are. Make sure you spend lots of time and money trying to look your best. If you don’t, you will have failed, and must spend the rest of your days crying over bad photos of yourself. If you are fat when you get married, maybe it’s better not to have any photos taken. Do you really want to document what a poor excuse for a woman you are? 

A waist should be as small as possible – that means you are feminine and desirable. If your waist is not very defined, you are less of a woman. It makes you look like a man. That’s bad. 

Your bottom should be pert. A flat bottom is laughable. There are exercises you can do to achieve this. Spend lots of time in the gym doing these. What else do you want to do with your free time anyway? 

It’s not ok for fat to be visible on your upper arms. We call those ‘bingo wings’ and we mock ourselves if we have those. 

Your hair should be thick, shiny and wavy. You must spend a lot of time making yourself look like you just stepped out of a salon because that’s a very good thing. Perish the thought that you look like you had other things to do with your time. 

Your thighs should be firm. Flabby thighs are disgusting. If your thighs are flabby, then make sure you cover them up. There are some very fragile people who will not be able to cope with seeing them – it’s not fair on those people, so please be considerate. They may end up vomiting if they see your thighs, and that would be your fault. Do you want to make other people sick? 

You look prettier with make-up. People will tell you “you look well” when you wear make-up. If you don’t wear make-up, that means you will look unwell. 

Hairy legs are a sign you don’t care about sex, so shave the hair off. Your legs may itch if you do that, so it might be better to rip it out at the roots. This may hurt, but it’s worth it because people won’t be revolted by the sight of you, and men will be more likely to want to have sex with you. The more men want to have sex with you, the more important a person you are. 

Never stop trying to improve your appearance. As you get older, this will become harder, but don’t give up. If you stop trying, you are letting yourself go, and that’s bad. People will look down upon you. They will say that you lack willpower. They will think you are weak. Men will no longer want to have sex with you. If you have a partner, he will leave you for someone younger. And who can blame him? You are worthless. Stay at home and hide until you sort yourself out. No one wants to see a woman’s body if it doesn’t look like you’ve just started puberty. Women are not meant to age. If you age, there’s something wrong with you.





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