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There have been times in my life when my appetite seemed insatiable.  I used to say to myself, "I could eat the world!", and that really seemed to sum up the way things were.  Whatever I ate, it was never enough.  Of course, there always was an end - there is only so much you can cram into your body at one time.  Nevertheless, there was no satisfaction, only guilt, shame and worry about the consequences.  It seemed like there was something terribly wrong with me.  Why couldn't I control what I ate?  After all, being thin was incredibly important to me, so why couldn't I just stop eating after I'd had a reasonable amount?

When I was big, I thought people were judging me for lacking willpower.  Some people probably were.  I felt my own judgment most keenly.  I was disgusted with myself.  And I was afraid.  What if I just kept gaining weight indefinitely?  Would anyone love or accept me?  I believed that no one could ever be attracted to me.  I hated feeling so uncomfortable in my body.  And I was disturbed by the fact that I didn't seem to be interested in anything other than eating and losing weight.  Other things just didn't seem to have the same attraction.  Even though the whole problem made me miserable, I wasn't able to turn away from it.  I was consumed by it, and I didn't know how to get out of the desperate cycle of controlling, and then losing control over, what I ate.

Now I'm free of that cycle, I see things very differently.  I know that I was never inherently greedy or lacking in willpower.  My relentless hunger reflected my desire to reject all the horrible beliefs I'd bought into.  I sought solace in food because the suffering my beliefs had created was too much to bear.  We are not meant to go through life trying to prove our worth through people-pleasing.  Now I can stop eating when I've had enough food because I'm at peace within myself.  I am not desperately looking outside of myself for validation of my value.  

If you are overeating and judging yourself for lacking willpower, please know that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with you.  You are not broken, and you do not have an incurable disease.  You are simply living in a lot of painful thoughts.  Your appetite will settle down once you realise that those thoughts aren't true.  Then a healthier, more light-hearted relationship with food will emerge naturally.  This may happen slowly or quickly, but if your inner world starts to feel more inviting, it is inevitable that sooner or later, the compulsion to seek comfort in food will start to fade away.  


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