7 min read

If you feel trapped in obsessive thoughts about your appearance, you may have often wondered why. Why on earth are you so tormented by painful thinking about the way you look?

Many people believe that the root of body image issues like body dysmorphia lies in a distorted perception.

But what if that’s not actually the cause of your suffering - and believing it is, is part of what keeps you stuck?

In this post, I’ll challenge some of the most common beliefs about beauty, flaws, and body image - and show you a path to genuine freedom that doesn’t rely on fixing how you see yourself.


The Standard Story: Distorted Perception = Distress

Someone who is thin but sees themselves as fat may believe that if they could only see themselves accurately, they’d be free of distress.

Another person obsessed with their nose desperately wants to believe other people when they tell them that there's nothing wrong with their nose.

Someone aged 20 thinks they look 40, while others say they look young - and they wish they could believe it.

A person constantly complimented on their appearance still feels ugly and longs to internalise the praise.

In each case, the belief is: "If only I could fix my distorted perception, I’d stop suffering."

Even medical definitions reflect this. The UK’s NHS says:

"Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), or body dysmorphia, is a mental health condition where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others."

This framing implies that the suffering comes from seeing flaws that aren't really there

But is that really true?

Is the distorted perception what's really driving the suffering?

In my view, no. And in fact, framing the problem this way can prevent real healing.

It reflects two widespread misunderstandings:


Misunderstanding #1: A Body Can Have Flaws

Let’s unpack this.

A flaw is usually defined as a defect or imperfection. But who decides what counts as a defect? Where is the universal standard of what a body should look like?

  • If a bully says you’re too short, does that make it true?
  • If your mum says you need to lose weight, does that mean your size is a flaw?
  • If a friend says you need to wear mascara, are your eyelashes now a defect?


I used to think my stomach was a flaw because it wasn’t flat. I dieted relentlessly, exercised obsessively, dressed to hide it, and felt deeply ashamed. But I never questioned why I believed a stomach had to be flat in the first place.

When I finally did, I realised how arbitrary that standard was. Why should my attractiveness and status depend on the size and shape of one part of my body? 

And here’s the crucial thing: my freedom didn’t come from deciding my stomach wasn’t that bad. It didn’t come from correcting my perception. It came from dropping the idea that a curved stomach was wrong in the first place.

Beauty standards are socially constructed. They vary according to time, place, culture and trends. Yet we absorb them from our parents, peers, and media without questioning them.

We think we came up with these preferences ourselves, but we didn’t. We were trained to see beauty a certain way. And thankfully, we can untrain ourselves too.

A human body is not inherently flawed. It just is.

Deviation from a made-up standard doesn’t make something defective. Flaws only exist if we believe in the rules that define them. Without those rules, flaws disappear.

And that realisation can be incredibly liberating.


Misunderstanding #2: If We Could See Ourselves Accurately, We’d Be Free

The idea here is: If I could just see myself the way others see me, I’d feel better.

But this can be a huge distraction.Because the truth is, some people will judge your appearance.

In a world steeped in harsh beauty standards, judgement is nearly inevitable. We’re taught to criticise ourselves and others. So naturally, some people will filter your appearance through that lens.

If many people say someone’s feature is unattractive, and that person obsesses over it, does that mean they’re not experiencing body dysmorphia?

Of course not. It just means a lot of people have absorbed the same harmful ideas.

The problem with trying to correct your perception is that even if you 'succeed'and manage to realise your 'flaw' is not actually all that noticeable to other people - something I personally found impossible -  you're still left stuck in the same set of beliefs that reduce people's value to their position on the 'appearance hierarchy' i.e.  the degree to which their body conforms with the so-called 'beauty' standards. 

And there isn't much freedom in that. 

Because even if you come to view yourself higher up the ladder of attractiveness, that won't give you much solace for long since you may quickly start to worry about losing your coveted position...

  • What if you'll go down the ranks as you get older?
  • What if you come across someone who appears to be 'above' you on the ladder?


So What Is Causing the Suffering?

So, if it's not a distorted perception of your appearance that's causing your suffering, then what is?

Quite simply, the real issue is: Judgement.

It wasn’t whether I or others thought my stomach stuck out that caused my suffering.

The cause was my belief that a stomach shouldn’t stick out. That it made me undesirable and therefore inferior to people with flatter stomachs.

It was the belief that certain appearances are embarrassing and shameful that was at the root of my pain.

And the meaning I attached to my supposed "flaws" - that they made me inherently unattractive or less worthy than people who didn't have them.

Your suffering isn't related to whether your perception is accurate or distorted.

Perception is always subjective. Even if you could get the whole world to rate your appearance, it wouldn’t provide the relief you’re looking for.

Because the real problem is the belief that your value and lovability are tied to how well you meet arbitrary appearance standards.

Let that sink in:

The problem isn’t how well you deem your body to conform with standards, but rather it's the fact that you buy into the idea that it's conformity with those standards that makes a person attractive and worthy of attention, respect, desire and love.

Take a moment to reflect on that...

  • Is that what you honestly believe? (It's ok if you do! I did for most of my life and I don't anymore - healing is possible!)
  • Is that what you want to believe?
  • Are you open to that belief changing? 
  • Can you imagine how your experience of your body would change if that belief fell away?


Conclusion

  • Body image struggles can feel deeply personal, but they often stem from collective, cultural beliefs that we inherit without realising. 
  • The idea that some bodies are flawed or unattractive isn't a truth - it's a judgement. And it's this judgement, not your perception, that lies at the heart of the suffering.
  • Healing doesn't come from trying to correct how you see yourself. It comes from stepping outside the system that says your attractiveness and worth are tied to how well you meet narrow, arbitrary standards.
  • We all have a part to play in changing this. By questioning the so-called 'beauty' ideals, reflecting on what truly attracts us to another person (beyond what we've been brainwashed into focusing on) and learning to view ourselves and others through a lens of compassion instead of critique, we can begin to create a world where fewer people agonise over the size and shape of their body parts.
  • And we can also take practical steps - like reshaping our media environments, examining our internalised beliefs, and being more mindful about the messages we pass on to the next generation. Because the more of us who wake up to the truth, the freer we all become.


And now it's over to you... What do you think?

  • Have you ever questioned whether your appearance is actually flawed - or whether it's the idea of "flaws" itself that's flawed?
  • Have you noticed how certain beliefs about beauty were passed down to you by others?
  • What has helped you shift your thinking, or begin to feel more free in your own body?
  • Does the idea that freedom lies beyond perception - not within it - resonate with you?

Let me know in the comment box below. I’d love to hear your reflections.


Reach out if you'd like support

Body image can be a very sticky problem because of how pervasive the beliefs are that underpin it. It can often be helpful to have some support along the way. If you'd like some further support, check out my free resources or find out how you can work with me.


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