18 Jul

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I’m here, but I want to be over there.

It’s not far, only a few steps away.

The trouble is there’s a huge wall in the way.

It’s towering over me, and looks completely impenetrable.

What to do?

I keep thinking about how I might demolish it.

What equipment would be strong enough to break through it, and where could I get it?

Then I lose hope. 

It’s so high.

It looks like it’s protecting a fortress.

Maybe it’s not possible to break it down.

Maybe it’s meant to be there.

I feel stupid for even thinking that someone as small and weak as me could ever overpower something as big and strong.

I sit down and cry.

I am a failure.

I will never get where I want to go.

I’ll always be held back by that Godforsaken wall.

Sadness rises and overwhelms me.

I let it flood my being.

It feels like I’m starting to drown in it.

I stop thinking about the wall, and how to get past it.

All thinking ceases as I slip away.

I find myself in another place now.

I feel light and free. To my delight, I am happy!

There is no wall here.

And no desire to get anywhere else.

I’m already where I want to be.

I wonder why I ever wanted to be anywhere else anyway.

It seems silly to have wasted so much time staring at a wall!

I am whole and complete and content.

I could stay here forever.

After a while I regain consciousness.

I must have passed out.

I look up with trepidation. Is it still there?

To my disappointment I recognise the familiar dirty old bricks.

My heart sinks.

Nothing has changed.

I’m back where l’ve always been ever since I can remember, sitting on the wrong side of a wall.

I lower my head to rest it in my hand. But at that moment I’m taken aback by a strange sensation.

I am squinting!

I realise that a ray of sunshine is streaming through the wall!

That hasn’t happened before!

I take a closer look.

There, close to the bottom of the wall, is a big new crack!

It’s easy to see through it!

Joy swells within me.

Maybe this wall isn’t as solid as it appears after all.

I let the light warm and fulfil me.

For the first time I don’t mind the wall being there.

I realise that I had been looking in the wrong direction: there are no mind-made tools strong enough to break it down.

Only surrender to the watery depths within has the power to shake its foundations.

And though the wall is still there, things are very different now.

I am no longer afraid to feel.

I will no longer look for answers in the dusty library of my mind.

Doubt, curiosity and hope are building an unstoppable force inside me.

And so I will let myself drown when death is needed.

And trust the water to wash the wall away.

Please note I first heard the phrase 'wall of thought' from one my spiritual mentors, Angus Ross.

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